The Best and Worst Things to Say to (and do for) Someone in Grief

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

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• "I'm so sorry for your loss."

• "I'm here for you."

• "I don't have the right words, but I want you to know I care."

• "Tell me about them."

• "What do you miss most about them?"

• "I'm thinking about you today."

• "How are you doing today?" (rather than "How are you?")

• "You don't have to go through this alone."

• "I'm here to listen whenever you want to talk."

• "Can I bring dinner on Tuesday?" (Offer something specific rather than saying, "Let me know if you need anything.")

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Often, simply sitting quietly with someone, offering a hug (if welcomed), or remembering their loved one's name can be more meaningful than finding the "right" words.

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Things to Avoid Saying:

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These phrases are usually intended to comfort but can unintentionally minimize or dismiss someone's grief.

• "Everything happens for a reason."

• "They're in a better place."

• "God needed another angel."

• "At least they lived a long life."

• "At least they're no longer suffering."

• "You need to be strong."

• "Time heals all wounds."

• "You'll get over it."

• "I know exactly how you feel."

• "Everything will be okay."

• "You should be moving on by now."

• "At least you have other children." (or spouse, parents, etc.)

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Helpful Things to Do:

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Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

• Sit quietly and simply be present.

• Use the person's loved one's name.

• Send a card weeks or months later.

• Remember birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

• Bring a meal.

• Walk the dog.

• Offer childcare.

• Help with errands.

• Continue checking in long after everyone else has stopped.

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David Kessler's Reminder

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"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it."

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One of Kessler's central teachings is that people don't need us to fix their grief—they need us to witness it. Presence is often the greatest gift we can offer.

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A Good Guiding Principle:

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Don't worry about saying the perfect thing. Worry about showing up.

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People rarely remember the exact words that were spoken during their darkest days, but they almost always remember who was willing to sit beside them, listen without trying to fix them, and remind them they were not alone.